Trash
by AbbyGibbs
Summary: you’ll find it out while reading the story. This story is COMPLETE!


Title: "Trash"

Author: Stephjag aka Steph

Disclaimer: I do not own the JAG characters; and that's a good thing, but unfortunately they belong to DPB. Unfortunately because I really don't like how things are turning out. They are the property of CBS, Paramount Studios and they belong to Donald P. Bellisario. No copyright infringement intended. Oh yeah, Gibbs and his team also belong to Mr. Bellisario.

Classification: JAG story. Sadness.

Rating: T (+ 13 just to be on the safe side)

Spoilers: none and every episode though all seasons.

Summary: you'll find it out while reading the story.

**Author's note**: Well, for the moment my heart doesn't really want to write cheerful stories, and neither does my head, so I'm sorry if you find my stories somber lately but I can't help it. The title isn't cheerful either, but that's all that came up. I read something and an idea kept creeping into my mind, as well as Harm's face, so here it is and I hope that writing it down with help me to deal with some feelings I have.

Another little thing here which my favorite beta pointed out. I'm not really sure either, that our favorite pilot and lawyer would go so easily to NCIS to thank Gibbs and his team for what they did, but let's pretend he does, okay? And by the way his father told him to so… bare with me on this one. Thanks!

This fic is for you, Amy. You are an amazing friend.

Many thanks to AeroGirl for beta-reading! Any remaining mistakes are mine.

Feedback: Please, if you would like to express your enjoyment. If my work does not appeal to you for any reason, I have no problem with that, but please, no need to share that with me.

**0100 ZULU**

**The Wall**

**Washington, D.C**

"Hi, dad." Harm said in a whisper. He wasn't feeling good; he was a wreck emotionally speaking.

Harm had been through a lot lately. No one seemed to understand that. They were acting like he wasn't there – like he had turned invisible. It hadn't occurred to him before, but now the reality had hit him with such violence that he'd found the need to come here and talk to his father – or if not to talk, then just to be near him.

What had happened? All his life he'd been so sure of himself – except of course when his RIO had died when he'd crashed a forty million dollar fighter plane, and when Diane Schonke had died, and today…

Harm felt – for the very first time in his life – like trash, garbage. He couldn't believe that he was feeling like this, but it was the truth. The pure and naked truth.

"Dad, what am I supposed to do? What can I do? Have I messed up everything to the point of no return?"

Harm brushed his thumb against the twelve letters that composed his father's name. He sighed. "Please, dad, help me find some peace…" he whispered.

_**JAG Headquarters, **_

_**Falls Church, VA **_

_**Two years earlier**_

_Harm was sitting with his lawyer, Faith Coleman, at the big table in one of JAG Headquarters's conference rooms. NCIS Special Agent Tony DiNozzo entered the room, followed by another NCIS agent. _

_Harm wasn't too happy to see them again, but he was curious to know why they wanted to see him, so he agreed to the interview against his lawyer's advice. And there was a small part of him that hoped that it could be a good thing._

"_I assume you already know that we found your cover at the crime scene," Agent DiNozzo started._

_Harm had a mock grin on his face when he answered, "And I suppose you want to know how it landed there?"_

"_We know. It had been placed there. We've been doing some research. We went through the JAG staff. We have a suspect, we just want to know if he could have had the opportunity to do it," Tony said, sliding a picture in Harm's direction._

_Harm took a look at the picture and said with obvious disgust in his voice, "That asshole! He did it right under my nose…"_

"_That's all we needed to know," Tony replied with a smirk, already leaving the room._

_Before he left, Harm told him, "Agent DiNozzo, tell Gibbs I owe him one…" And with that, DiNozzo left._

Harm got down on his knees and shifted his body weight so that now he was sitting on the ground with his back against the enormous wall, then he brought his legs back under his chin – like Mac often did. He guessed that it must be her favorite way to sit.

He bent his head down so his forehead was resting against his hand, then closed his eyes in hope to calm down the wave of unbearable sadness that was rushing through him. He suddenly wished that his father could be there next to him, to tell him that everything was going to be okay.

Harm was now crying. He couldn't contain the waves of emotions any longer – for the first time in months he let his emotions break free with no attempt to hide them anymore.

He jumped an instant later when he felt a hand on his left shoulder. He lifted his head, and his mouth dropped open when he saw the person whose hand was resting on his shoulder. "Hi, Harm," said a familiar soft voice.

Looking up, his eyes full with tears, Harm couldn't believe who was standing in front of him. He blinked a few times before smiling through his tears.

"Da… Dad?" he whispered. "How?"

Hammer smiled at him softly, placed a gentle hand on his forearm, and went to sit down next to him on the ground. Harm couldn't help but keep smiling and now the smile went to his eyes. "Didn't you just wish I could be here with you?" his father asked gently.

"Everything is going to be okay, Harm. I'm here with you for a reason."

"Dad, I miss you so much. Why did you have to go so soon, leaving me and mom alone?" Harm asked, just a hint of bitterness in his voice.

He looked at him for a moment, and he touched his cheek with his hand, just like he would have done if Harm was still a little boy. Harm instinctively leaned into his father's touch and closed his eyes. Memories came back to him: good ones and bad ones. Harm had been a little boy back then, but he could still remember a few things, and he knew that even his dad hadn't been there physically, he had always been there with him during all the difficult moments in his life, and now he would be again, coming out of nowhere like an angel.

The angel he'd always been to him. While he'd still lived, he'd taken him on the USS Hornet, and it was then that little Harm had learned what he wanted to do with his life, to be a fighter pilot like his father; something that made his mother sick with worry, but she also knew that it was of no use to try to make him do anything else… she could see it in her little boy's eyes every time he saw a fighter take off.

**0256 ZULU**

**Mac's apartment, **

**Georgetown, **

**Washington, D.C.**

Sarah Mackenzie was staring blankly at the TV screen. She'd started to watch a movie, but she had quickly lost any interest in it, though it was a nice made-for-TV movie called "Borrowed Hearts." She'd already seen it several times and always enjoyed it, but today she couldn't appreciate it.

Mac had been thinking all day about her and Harm, the way their roads seemed to be separated now, and about the fact that she hadn't really attempted to stop the rift in their friendship. She'd preferred not to see what was happening, telling herself that everything was right between them, and he had Mattie, so he didn't need her anymore. Giving the thought a little more credit, Mac was beginning to think that maybe Mattie was the reason why she had agreed to date Clayton Webb.

She'd felt jealous of the teenager. Mattie had taken all Harm's attention, and Mac had thought that there was no place for her in his heart, so she'd started to be defensive against him. She'd also tried to avoid him and wasn't there for him when he needed her – what kind of friend had she become? A real friend wouldn't act like an idiot because she's jealous of a teenage girl – a teenage girl that needs affection and a father figure, or at least someone to look up to. Mattie was a girl who had had everything taken away from her, and her father had chosen the bottle instead of his child.

Who was she for not understanding that? She had lived in a hell as a teenage girl and had left the house at the age of fifteen because she couldn't take it anymore. Who was she then to claim that Harm was hers and hers only? She'd pushed him away every time he'd tried to open up. And if someone could help Mattie to find some stability and affection in her life, there was no doubt it was Harmon Rabb, Jr.

Mac felt a single tear roll down her cheek. Where had this come from? Sadness? Pity? If she pitied herself, then it was too late, and she knew she had no right at all to do so.

She was torn out of her thoughts by a knock on the door and she found herself hoping that it would be Harm. She stood up and went to the front door. Mac looked through the peephole to look who was knocking at her door at this hour, and when she saw who the person was, a mix of disappointment and curiosity showed on her face.

**0312 ZULU**

**The Wall **

**Washington, D.C.**

Harm was still leaning into his dad's touch. It felt so good to feel his father so close to him. He had dreamed about such a moment for so many years. Harm had always felt close to his father, who had been a hero for him – he always wanted to be like him, but there was also a part of him that had been angry at his dad. A part that had missed him immensely, a part that couldn't forgive him for leaving the USS Ticonderoga that night even if he knew he had no other choice.

Years later, Frank Burnett had entered his mother's life and the guy had treated Harm like he was his own child, but the little boy he was then had had trouble accepting the stranger at first. And what had been the most painful, though he never once mentioned it to her, was that it seemed like his mother had so easily gotten over his dad.

"Harm?" his father called softly.

Looking up, Harm couldn't stop tears from rolling down his cheeks. He couldn't believe that his father was standing there, a few inches from him. It all had been so long ago. Harm realized suddenly that even after all those years and all the things that happened he still needed his dad.

"Harm, you need to stand up. You cannot keep crying about the past. That's not you, and you know that. You need to go on. There are still so many people who will need you. Mac needs you, even if she doesn't know it yet, and most important of all, Mattie needs you more than you realize."

Harm's eyes widened at the fact that his father had mentioned Mattie's name. Maybe his father was a real angel after all. The thought made him smile through his tears.

"Dad, how can you say Mac needs me? All she's done for the past few months is ignore me, or push me away," Harm said, with a little bitterness.

Harmon Rabb, Sr. looked intently at his son before saying, "Son, haven't you ever thought that the reason why she's ignoring you is because she is terrified?"

"Terrified?" he asked in disbelief.

"Yeah, son, she's terrified of losing you someday. That something might happen to you. One day, you made some stupid comment to Sturgis about Mac and the men in her life. She never forgot that, and what you said then has been playing around in her head for years. It's paralyzing her for loving you."

"Dad, what are you saying?" Harm asked, still in disbelief and not quite sure that he'd fully

understood the full meaning of his father's words.

Hammer looked seriously at the man who looked so much like him and smiled sadly. "What do you think I am saying, Harm?"

"I'm not sure. It seems like you saying that deep down in her heart Mac loves me, but that she's too terrified to tell or show me because she thinks if she does so that something might happened to me…" His voice trailed off.

"That's exactly what I'm saying, Harm."

Realizing the implication of Hammer's words, Harm closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the thick stone wall, letting out a deep sigh. "What now?" Harm whispered more to himself than to anyone else.

**0341 ZULU**

**Mac's apartment**

**Georgetown, **

**Washington, D.C.**

"Hi, ma'am. Can I come in?"

"Sure," Mac answered a little abruptly, still surprised by seeing Petty Officer Jennifer Coates standing in the doorframe. Mac took one step aside in order to let the young woman pass.

Jen waited patiently until Mac closed the door. Only then did she allow herself to ask Mac if she could take a seat. Mac was now facing Jen, still wondering why she was paying her a visit at this hour.

"Of course, Jen, take a seat. Can I take your coat? Can I offer you something to drink?" Mac asked her gently.

Jennifer Coates took a seat on the couch after having taken off her coat. She smiled at Mac, and asked if she could have some fruit juice. Mac hung up Coates's coat and then headed for the kitchen. She took two glasses out of a cupboard, poured some juice in one of the glasses for her guest and some iced tea in the other one for herself.

Coming back to the living room, Mac handed her glass to Jen and than took a place on the couch next to her. "Is everything all right, Jennifer?" Mac asked, seeing that the younger woman sitting at her side seemed to be slightly uncomfortable.

"Ye… yes, thank you, Colonel."

"You can call me Mac, you know. We're not at work anymore," she smiled.

"Okay," Jen answered a little shyly.

Mac was a little worried, though. Jennifer Coates practically never came to her apartment – in fact the only time she'd come before was when Harm had brought her as his 'prisoner' on Christmas Eve years ago.

And now here she was, sitting next to her uncomfortably. She looked like she'd found out something pretty embarrassing about something or someone, but one thing was sure: it must be pretty important, or she wouldn't be here.

"Mac, sorry to bother you like this…" Jen started softly.

"Jen, you are not bothering me at all. It's just that I'm a little surprised to see you here." Mac smiled.

"Well, I wouldn't have come if I didn't think that it was important. I swear…" she said in an apologetic tone.

"I know it, Jennifer – it's okay," Mac reassured her. "Now, tell me, what's on your mind?"

Jen shifted a little in her seat before starting. "The other day, I was cleaning our apartment, while Mattie went to Harm to talk to him about something, and I found this…" Her voice trailed off.

Mac looked at the young woman, startled. It was a white sheet of paper folded up in quarters. Mac slowly reached out hesitantly, and took the sheet of paper out of Jennifer Coates's hands.

"It's addressed to you, ma'am… Mac. Not directly, but… I really think you should read it, Mac," Coates added softly.

"To me?" Mac asked, an obvious tone of surprise creeping into her voice.

"Yes," Jen simply answered.

Mac leaned back in her couch and settled herself a little more comfortably before slowly unfolding the paper she had been crushing involuntarily in her hand.

_April 21st, 2004_

_What am I supposed to do? I know something about my guardian's feelings for a certain person, but I can't tell a soul about it. One evening, after Susan's brother died, we were eating together, and he asked me how I learned about my mother's death. At first, I thought, "Please, Harm, not again…I don't want to talk about it." I told him anyway, and I felt better then. He said something then that I'll never forget… "If you never come to terms with your mom's death, you're not going to be able to get along with your own life." He was right, but I didn't really get it then. Now I do. In the same conversation that night, I asked him if he was in love with Mac. He didn't answer right away, but then he sheepishly said **'yes,'** looking elsewhere of course, but I won't blame him for that. _

_I want so badly to do something for him. To help him. We never talked again about his feelings for Mac, but I know him – well, I know him better than I even know my own father. Harm didn't abandon me. My father did._

_Harm didn't even know me and he reached out to me without even thinking about it. That's why I want so badly to do something for him – but what? I really like Mac; she's a great person and a beautiful woman, but sometimes all I can manage to feel for her is anger, because she doesn't seem to see or understand what seems as plain as the nose on her face._

_The other day, all I wanted to do was rush to her and scream: "Mac, are you blind or something? Don't you see that the guy that was once your best friend is head over heels in love with you? Can't you stop treating him like trash?" I know 'trash' is a rough word, but that's how I see it._

_From what I've manage to understand, all this started in Paraguay. Harm resigned his commission to get Mac back – a task which he succeeded in, otherwise I wouldn't know Mac – but then their relationship seems to have suffered a big deal and they were able to pick it up where they left it before…I know Harm must be difficult to understand sometimes, but there's something I realized about Harm: he lets his actions speak for him because he's not really an expert when it comes to expressing his feelings in words. He's so cute when he does try, though. Okay, let's forget I just said that. That's not the point here._

_The point is that I think Mac should try to give him more credit for what he did for her instead of blaming him. I really think that that is what she's doing, and instead of talking to him, she just treats him like trash._

_Harm tries not to show that his heart is bleeding, but his eyes belie his tough military attitude. All I can do is hope and pray that one day love will find its way to their hearts because God knows they deserve it…_

_Please, Mac – his heart is in your hands. Be gentle with it._

_Mattie Grace_

Mac couldn't stop the tears that were now tracing their furrows down her cheeks. She couldn't lift her eyes from the letter she had in her hands. Mattie had written a letter where she was telling what she thought of her – and worst of all, Mattie obviously thought that she, Mac, was treating her guardian angel like trash.

Mac was staring at the sheet of paper like it was the only way she could see. She tried to read between the lines to make sure there was nothing else to interpret from the teenage girl's words.

And obviously there wasn't. Mac slowly lifted her eyes up to look at Jen. "You knew about this? Is this what you think, too?"

For a minute, Jennifer Coates didn't know what to say. She weighed the pros and cons, and then decided to be honest and tell her what she thought.

"You want me to be honest, ma'am?" Jen asked.

"Please, Jen," Mac told her.

Jen took a sip of her fruit juice first then put it slowly back on the coffee table before clearing her throat.

"Well, to be honest, ma'am… Yes, that is what I think, too. I'm not a shrink and I don't have any right to judge, but I really think that you've been acting strangely and you were treating the commander like trash, and he didn't deserve it. The way you were acting was very misplaced, ma'am. I think I know why you did it, but you could have found another way…"

Her voice trailed off, but then Jen decided to continue. "Do you really think that what you did was the best way to protect yourself?" she asked a startled Mac.

"Well, you've got some nerves, Petty Officer Coates."

"Ma'am, you told me to be honest. Well, that's what I am now. Just answer the question," Coates demanded calmly.

Mac shifted, a little uneasy, before saying, "I'm not sure this is any of your business, Jennifer."

"See, ma'am, you're doing it again – you avoid confronting your own feelings. I may still be considered as the 'newbie' here, but now I've known all of you for two years. I didn't say anything, but I've seen you with Commander Rabb. It's obvious that you feel something for him, ma'am, so why do you back away each time he tries to come close to you? You'd rather rush yourself into another man's arms – causing him and you more pain each time…"

Mac slowly stood up to get herself a Kleenex box because she felt another wave of emotion rush through her body and she knew that new tears would come up soon. She hated to admit it, but Jen was right. She'd backed away from Harm every time he made the first step, every time he tried to come close to her – and yes, she had run into another man's arms each time.

Jen stood up and took a few steps toward Mac. "Sorry if I was a little too bold, ma'am, but I really think you and him should talk to each other. First, though, you need to analyze your feelings."

"I'm not sure I can afford to do that, Petty Officer. I always end up with the same conclusion: every time I allow myself to become close to a man, he dies…"

Jennifer cooked her head to the side and considered the woman in front of her for a minute before asking her the question that was burning her lips. "Ma'am, if that's what's terrifying you, why didn't you hesitate to date Mr. Webb?"

Mac was taken a little aback from Coates's question. She thought about it for some time before answering. Taking a sip of her iced tea, she looked at Jen and took a Kleenex tissue to dry her eyes.

"I think I like the idea of being with a man more than the actual fact. I'm not sure, but looking back on it I think that I never really loved him. I loved the image he was reflecting. He went through hell for me so that I wouldn't be hurt, but the mental torture that I had to endure because of all that happened in Paraguay was worse than all the physical torture I could have endured. The memories are so vivid and horrible. They still haunt me at night…" Her voice trailed off.

"It's going to be okay, ma'am… Mac." Jen squeezed Mac's back with her hand in an attempt to soothe her superior officer and friend.

"I'm not so sure of that, Jen…" Mac said with a regretful voice.

"Yes, it will, I promise. You just need to let time do its work and everything will be fine," she said softly, but firmly.

"I liked the idea of being loved by Clay, and I really thought that I loved him too. I realized my mistake when I became aware that it didn't bother him to be drinking in front of me or when I was around, even though he knew full well that I'd had alcohol problem for years. I refused to see the truth because it felt too good to be in a man's arms again…" she admitted to Jen before feeling new tears burn at the corner of her eyes.

Coates simply hugged Mac, whispering that all was going to be okay over and over.

**0526 ZULU **

**The Wall**

**Washington, D.C.**

Harm felt more at peace since his father was with him. "Well, son, first things first. What you need to do is sort things out, and if I'm not wrong, you never thanked two certain NCIS agents who helped you out when you were accused of murder. "But dad, they were the ones who got me into this situation at first!" Harm protested bitterly.

"I know, son, but they realized they made a mistake and they searched until they found the truth. And they did find it…"

"Dad, all Gibbs wanted to do in the beginning of this was nail me no matter what. And you want me to thank him?" Harm asked his father in disbelief.

"Yes, that's what I want you to do, Harm. Gibbs and you are cut from the same cloth. You are both passionate in what you do. And you won't find you peace if you don't do things right. Then you'll be able to start some talking with Mac. Don't worry. It seems like you have two more angels with you to help. Now go." His dad smiled mischievously.

Harm looked at his father for a moment, but he was already fading away. "I love you, dad," he whispered into the nothingness. Harm stood up and headed to his car when he heard his father whispering in the wind, "I love you too, son. I'll always be with you wherever you might go. Everything will turn out fine."

**0601 ZULU **

**NCIS building **

**Washington, D.C.**

Harm parked his car in the NCIS parking lot. Though Harm was still reluctant, his father had been right. Jethro Gibbs and Tony DiNozzo had helped him out big time when he'd been accused of Loren Singer's murder, though at first they had severely accused him of being responsible for it. The one who had committed the crime was in jail. So maybe the best thing to do was to forgive and forget… no one would ever bring Loren and her baby back no matter what would happen from now on. And some questions would forever stay unanswered…

Gibbs's instincts had told him that Harm hadn't done it. Things had still been tense, but they also seemed easier from then on.

Harm got out of his car and headed toward the building and he couldn't help the smile that was now creeping on his lips when he entered the edifice. Harm greeted some people here and there, then finally arrived at the bullpen. As soon as Gibbs saw Harm, he stood up and walked toward him. They shook hands. "Well, well, Commander Rabb, what's the occasion?"

"Nothing in particular, Gibbs. I just wanted to thank you for getting me out of trouble after you got me in it, that's all." Harm said simply, with just a hint of tension.

"All I did was my job, Commander…and all I wanted to do was to find the truth. You have to admit that you really weren't the most cooperative…" Gibbs remarked.

"I know that, Gibbs. That's something we have in common, you and me. We search for the truth no matter what it implies and how horrible it can be…"

"Exactly," Gibbs agreed. "Let me introduce Special Agent Caitlin Todd." Kate looked up and was startled by Harm's bearing. He looked amazingly attractive, and she stood and walked around her desk so she could stand in front of him.

"Nice to meet you Special Agent Todd." Harm grinned at her.

"Kate, this is Commander Rabb," intervened Gibbs.

"Pleased to meet you, Commander," she smiled.

Harm then turned to Gibbs and asked, "Do you happen to know where Special Agent DiNozzo might be?"

"Yeah, he's down in the lab with our tech, Abby Sciuto. I was on my way to go down there anyway. Follow me."

Harm and Gibbs walked to the elevator and waited without a word that the elevator doors opened. They entered it and didn't exchange a single word on the way down to the lab. When the doors finally opened, Gibbs led Harm to the lab.

Abby was trying to explain something to Tony that he obviously still hadn't managed to understand. Then all of a sudden she looked up and turned around in her chair, sensing Gibbs presence. Surprised by his friend's action, Tony looked up and turned as well. Seeing his boss and Commander Rabb, he asked, startled, "How do you do that, Abbs?"

She turned her head to face him. "Do what?"

"That! Knowing the minute Gibbs enters the lab."

"Ooooh, thaaaat… that's a secret, Tony."

Harm was smiling, remembering how Abby had looked at his trial. She seemed so much more… alive here. It was refreshing, in a way, seeing her like this.

"Commander Rabb, long time no see. What brings you here?" DiNozzo asked almost cheerfully.

"No offense, Special Agent DiNozzo, but I'd rather not have anything to do in the NCIS neighborhood," Harm said lightly. "Though, it's nice to discover the real Abby Sciuto," Harm grinned in the young tech's direction.

Abby looked at him and smiled. "Thanks, Commander," she said, curtseying to him.

"Anyway, I'd like to thank you all for your help on the murder investigation of Lt Loren Singer. I know it's been a while and that back then we didn't get along very well, but thank you all."

"I guess it couldn't have been the easiest thing for you to do to come here to thank us after what we put you through," Abby said.

Now Harm had his arms folded on his chest. "To be honest, no it isn't, but I had to come. After all, you were just doing your jobs … And back then, I was convinced that my brother Sergei had killed her, so I tried to protect him. Thinking of it now, I realize how stupid I was, because he wouldn't have done it no matter the circumstances…" His voice trailed off. As he was suddenly overcome by a wave of memories.

"How's your brother doing?" Gibbs asked suddenly.

"Fine. He went back to Russia – he's married now and there's a baby on the way. So I guess it means that everything is fine in the world…" Harm said thoughtfully.

And suddenly Harm felt the urge to get some air; he needed to get out of there. He felt like he was about to suffocate, so he urgently explained that he had to get going and left them all perplexed.

Once outside the building, Harm took a deep breath. The recollection of his brother having a baby on its way tore at his heart. Even Sergei had made it. Harm was immensely happy for his half-brother, but it also made him feel sad in a way. It was like everyone he knew had found a soul mate and was about to have a family, while he craved to have one and wasn't able to find someone to have it with.

Well, he'd found someone, but for now she was out of reach – she obviously didn't want him… Harm closed his eyes and just inhaled some air for a few minutes before heading to his car.

**0732 ZULU **

**Mac's apartment, Georgetown,**

**Washington, D.C.**

"Thanks, Jennifer. I hope that you are right and that things will get better," Mac told the young woman who was still hugging her.

"I'm sure it will," Jen stated.

Mac drew back and looked at Jen for a moment. She thought about all the things the young petty officer had said and felt she needed some fresh air. She gently thanked Coates and told her that she needed to go out to do something important. Jennifer Coates just smiled and took her coat before heading to the door, followed by Mac, who had grabbed her apartment keys near her phone.

They exited the apartment and Mac locked her door before once again thanking Jen. Then they both went their separate ways. Jen hoped that her little intervention would help Colonel Mackenzie to sort things out and see what had been in front of her for so long.

**Ten minutes later **

Mac was walking in the streets of Georgetown, lost in her thoughts. She was thinking about Harm and all that they'd been through together. The words of Jennifer Coates were spinning in her head.

"… _why do you back away each time he tries to come close to you? You'd rather rush yourself into another man's arms – causing him and you more pain each time…"_

Mac realized she could turn the situation upside down or backwards, and it would still all come down to one point. Jennifer was right. Sarah Mackenzie was head over heels in love with Harmon Rabb, Jr but she was too damn scared to lose him to give them a chance to try something together.

**_White House Rose Garden, _**

_**Washington, D.C.**_

_A tall handsome man was standing in front of her. She reached out to shake his hand, but he seems to be a thousand miles away from there. Then suddenly he seemed to be back and took her hand. He'd been gazing at her like he'd seen a ghost – like someone he hadn't seen for a long time who'd appeared from nowhere…Admiral Chegwidden had presented them to each other as Lieutenant Commander Harmon Rabb, Jr and Major Sarah Mackenzie…_

It had all started at that single meeting in the White House rose garden. She could tell that there was something special about Harmon Rabb, Jr, and that in some ways he would change her life forever. Over the past few years, that's exactly what he had done.

In the beginning, though, she'd had the sensation he was seeing someone else in her. It had been a year later that she'd finally understood exactly who he was seeing in her.

_She looked quite similar to Lt Diane Schonke. Physically – or at least Mac's face was the mirror image of Diane's, for the rest of her body he didn't know. And that he'd never know… nothing would ever change the fact that she'd be forever in his heart… _

_Mac hadn't understood it at first. How could it be possible that she'd had a mirror image somewhere? She fully understood that one year later, when she came to her friend's apartment. He was supposed to make her dinner after losing a case, but he'd forgotten completely about it. He was totally lost in some memories of old times. Happy times with his best friend Diane. _

_Harm had tried to find some lame excuse, but he should have known better. Sarah Mackenzie knew him. And she'd seen the gun in his belt. _

_Mac went to the Norfolk docks just in time. Harm was pointing his gun to Holbarth, and about to shoot him. She was running and surrounded by a sort of fog._

"_Harm! Don't." _

_Harm turned his head, as did Holbarth. Suddenly Holbarth seemed to panic. "God, Schonke! I'm sorry. No, I didn't want to. I…" He drew back and fell into the water. No one could help him anymore; he'd been crushed between the dock and the hull. Bud went to get some help anyway. A couple of officers came to see what had had happened._

_Harm and Mac stepped back a little, facing each other._

"_Would you've killed him?"_

"_We'll never know."_

_Suddenly the gaze in Harm's eyes changed, and he leaned forward and pressed his lips against Mac's. It was a good-bye kiss. A good-bye for Diane… _

_But in Mac's heart there was a little flicker of warmth, and there were butterflies in her stomach. She secretly wished that Harm's kiss had not only been a good-bye kiss for Diane…_

Mac took a deep breath and inhaled some fresh, cold air. She looked around her and saw a bench where she decided to sit. As soon as she sat she was again lost in her thoughts. This time she was somewhere above the Appalachians…

_Poachers were after them. They'd managed to outdistance them, and then she'd told him Eddie's story, and then he'd said that women have ten percent more body fat than men._ A smile appeared to Mac's face at that thought.

_**In front of the building,**_

_**Falls Church, Virginia** _

_**Five years earlier **_

_Admiral A.J. Chegwidden just went back inside, leaving his two top lawyers outside. Harm and Mac were still staring at the ambulance where Bud, Harriet and the new little member of the family were. _

_Both were smiling at first, but then, Mac's face saddened. Harm hadn't noticed it because he was still looking in front of him. A few seconds later, he gazed at her, and saw that she didn't look so happy anymore. _

"_You okay?" he asked her.  
_

"_Every time I think I've put the pieces of my life back together, somebody comes along and jumbles them back up. Everybody who has ever meant anything to me is leaving my life," she replied in a sullen tone._

_  
"It'll be okay, Mac. You'll get to see Chloe again. One day you'll have kids of your own."_

_  
"Not at this rate. My biological clock is going off, and I keep hitting the snooze button."_

_Harm looked at her, and the look in his eyes slightly changed, a light grin appearing on his lips._

_  
"Tell you what. Five years from this moment, if neither one of us is in a relationship, we'll go halves on a kid."  
_

"_You and me, have a baby together?" Mac asked, a little astonished, but smiling.  
_

"_With your looks and my brains, he'll be perfect."  
_

"_What if she has your looks and my brains?"  
_

"_That could work too," he replied, reaching out his hand.  
_

"_Don't make a promise that you can't keep."  
_

"_I haven't yet."_

**0817 ZULU **

**Harm's car. **

Since Harm had left the NCIS building he couldn't stop thinking about the woman he'd come to admire and love. They'd been though so much together and still they weren't about to overcome their fears so they could be together.

_**Admiral Chegwidden's porch **_

_**MacLean, Virginia**_

_Harm and Mac were both standing there, facing each other intently. Tiner had just gone back inside the admiral's house. A few moments later they were chuckling, staring at the ground, and then Harm looked up at Mac again and softly said, "We should go back in there."_

"_I know," Mac replied with a sigh._

"_Mac, you'll have someone who'll always love you."_

"_And you have somebody that loves you," she retorted. _

_Mac leaned forward to brush Harm's lips with hers. It was a sort of goodbye kiss, but when she drew back Harm didn't let go, and the light kiss that it first was deepened into a real kiss. _

_The kiss was broken fourteen seconds later, and they just stared at each other, not saying a word. Mac started to push Harm's jacket off her shoulders, while Harm was once again staring at the ground. _

Harm cursed himself. If he hadn't been so stupid that night, he would have told her that he loved her and that she couldn't marry Mic – and all that had happened afterwards would have been different. They wouldn't have hurt each other so much for so long.

He had decided to go home, but changed his mind and started toward Mac's apartment. He wanted to talk to her, and try to see if they could solve their problems.

Harm knew that he had to try something otherwise, he would be regretting it the rest of his entire life. Mac was too important to him, not to try anything and talk things out. According to what his father had told him, he knew he had a chance. Harm's thoughts drifted away to a certain day and night – the Admiral's Retirement party. That day had been one of the saddest day of Mac's life and for that he would coursed Clayton Webb forever.

_**1347 ZULU **_

_**Harm's apartment **_

_**North of Union Station**_

_**Washington, D.C.**_

_There was a knock on the door. Harm walked toward it to open it, and the expression on his face immediately saddened as he saw the person standing in front of him with crying eyes. Two seconds later, Harm was surprised by her announcement. "Webb's dead," she said in a tearful voice._

_He invited her in, and they both went to sit on the couch. Mac fiddled with her tissue as she told him that Clayton Webb had been one the six casualties of the USS Thomas Lyons._

"_I thought he was in Germany," Harm asked._

"_It was a charade to keep me from worrying," she said, looking down at her hands._

"_Who told you this? Sturgis?" Harm asked skeptically._

_Mac told him that Sturgis had wanted to do so, but the information was classified. Asked how she got the information, Mac admitted she'd squeezed it out of Clay's assistant. Harm had looked a little embarrassed, but Mac instantly knew what he was going to say._

_Mac told Harm that she'd considered that option because Webb had faked his death before, but she also told him that she knew it was true this time because she could feel it. _

_Harm just nodded and asked what he could do for her, and she simply answered, "You're doing it."_

**_That night _**

_**The Admiral's Retirement Party**_

_Admiral Chegwidden had just left the party without a word. A little after that, Harm and Mac went outside in silent agreement to get some fresh air and to talk…_

_Harm was worried about Mac because she hadn't told him anything yet about her appointment with the doctor. _

"_You okay?" he asked her as they were walking toward the only bench that was there._

"_You keep asking me that," Mac replied as they both sat on the bench._

"_Give me an answer that works…"_

_They both sat there discussing about Mac's relationship with Clay, and for once in a long time they seemed to feel surprisingly good around each other. Harm even asked to change their deal and left it indefinitely open – after excusing himself for having brought up the subject._

**Somewhere near Mac's apartment,**

**Georgetown, Washington, D.C.**

As Harm drove the streets near Mac's place, he was surprised to see her walking on the sidewalk. He couldn't see her face, but he could easily see by the way she was stooped that she was sad, and his heart sank at the sight.

He looked around to see if he could park his car and found a place nearby. Harm parked his car, stopped the engine, and got out of it and quickly locked it.

"Mac!" he practically yelled from across the street.

Mac, who had still her back to him, instantly stopped and slowly turned around. That voice could only belong to one man…

Harm took a few long steps to cross the street, and soon they were standing a few inches away from each other. They both seemed paralyzed for a minute and didn't say anything; they were just staring at each other. Harm was the first to break the stretching silence.

"Mac, we… we need to talk," he started, but as soon as the words were out, Mac started to cry and collapsed in his arms.

Taken a little aback, it took Harm a few seconds to get his arms around Mac and to hold her in a tight embrace. After a while he slowly lifted one of his hands slowly to stroke her hair gently. Other than that, he didn't say or do anything. He just let her cry out.

A few minutes later, Mac started in a teary, desperate voice. "I'm sorry, Harm, I'm so sorry… I didn't see, didn't understand, and didn't want to understand what you were going through…" she choked out.

"Shhh, it's okay, Mac, it's okay," he soothed her, kissing her hair.

Mac slowly lifted up her head to look in his eyes. Hers were brimming with tears, and his were shielded, but Mac could also read the hurt she'd caused him all this time. All this because she had been scared to lose him if she started something with him… It was then that she reminded of something she'd asked him one night – the night of the Admiral's retirement party.

"**_You know… men just seem to pass through my life, except for you. Will you always be there?" _**

He'd said 'yes' without hesitation, and it was true; he was always there for her, even when she tried to shut him out or avoid him. Harm had been the one who noticed that her back still ached at that moment, not Clay.

"Harm, I've been such an idiot. Even Mattie saw what was going with me, us, and what did I do? Nothing, I closed my eyes and pretended everything was fine in my world, but it wasn't. I locked you out of it, purposefully!"

"Mac, calm down. Breathe. There no need to be so upset." He tried to reason with her.

"Yes, there is. Harm, I made your life miserable. And don't try to tell me I didn't because I know I did! I've been selfish. It didn't occur to me that you could be in pain too. I've been so caught up with my own problems that I didn't pay attention to what was going on around me. I'm sorry Harm, I really am. This is all my fault. Some Marine I am, don't you think? I'm not even able to say to my best friend what I really feel for him because I'm a coward."

"Mac, you're not a coward, and all this isn't entirely your fault, you know. I could have told you how I really felt about you, too."

"You did it, Harm. You told me – not directly, but you did. When you answered 'yes' after I asked you if you would always be there…"

"I'm going to say it again, Mac: Yes, I'll always be there for you. That's a promise."

"And you never make a promise you can't keep, right?" she asked him, as a sheepish smile tried to find its way onto her lips and into her eyes.

"Exactly," Harm replied, smiling as well. He brushed her tears away with his thumbs. "What would you say if I suggested we forget the past and start all over again, together?" he asked in a whisper.

"I'd say it's a great idea! I love you, Harm, so damn much." As soon as those words were out, she felt a lot lighter.

"And I love you, Mac," Harm replied, leaning in to capture her lips for a sweet, loving kiss that rapidly intensified. Now they were holding each other like their own lives depended on it.

It was then that above them a bright light appeared, a light that seem to envelop them in a protective way. Harm's father appeared for a split second and smiled, whispering.

"_Now, you can go on with your life without me. I love you and I'll be watching over you. I know two guardian angels that'll be thrilled as soon as they'll find out,"_ he smiled.

But neither Mac nor Harm had been aware of it. They sealed their pact with a kiss, standing in the middle of the sidewalk, lost in their own world.

The End

22


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